Maybe I shouldn’t write these blogs at the end of the day. When my thoughts are a mess. But then again would it be honest to only write when I’m sparkly and fresh and so positive making all exhausted moms out there feel they’re all alone??? And my main message is none of us are alone in what we experience. It’s universal but uncommunicated.

So here I go…

I am freshly spick and span clean. Having soaked in a hot tub full of stress release oils. I lay with my feet up they were so tired and sore. I couldn’t have stood in a shower let alone lie them down in the bath. These days I’m waking up with sore feet. I’m serious. So freshly out of the bath I’m all dolled up in my brightest Johnny Was dress and heaps of blush to make my now greying skin pucker up and pretend it’s in its last year of 20’s youthful flush, ready to go see a movie. It’s been one of those days.

You see I’m trying not to buy into the ‘mother’ reality and go to bed at 8pm. (Which is what I really feel like doing after a day of at least 4 hours driving, maybe even more. And again I’m dead serious.) So I’m experimenting. After a grueling mommy day yesterday I went out for supper and tried to erase the premature worry lines from my forehead. (All afterglow of my 9 day detox is gone – I’m eating on the run again and my stress levels are…well let’s just say I don’t want to do a blood test.) And the thing is I don’t want to be that way – ie. all stressed out.

Get a driver, an auper….yes true but in my mind A. This driving craziness is not permanent I’m just settling into a schedule and because I chose to take the kids to an energy massage this afternoon in Lonehill well that’s kinda my choice (in other words my fault for all the extra work and driving.) B. I want to be there for the kids. I want them to have their Mummy pick them up.

Am I deluded??? Maybe, very possibly. I did my ‘mother’ beliefs and I have a lot of unhealthy ones. And maybe the truth is with all the shlepping what’s getting me really down is no nurturing bosom to turn to and lay my head on and cry to. (Yes we pay a therapist for that, but sometimes I wish we didn’t have to.) Anyone maternal for me is hours of jet lag away. And I think me and my friends whilst we do nurture each other we’re just as exhausted and can only commiserate, and maybe even create more of a negative cycle of ‘this is the way things are’.

Mothers – We’re unappreciated jugglers. Unappreciated acrobats. We’d be better off running a Mommy circus at least we’d get some attention even if we were booed for dropping the balls. Meanwhile a lot of us struggle silently. Those with new babies and who have PND or just mild depression. Those of us who’s kids are grown up but cheeky as hell. And then those of us with the littlies and all the physical and emotional work involved.

And yes we forget ourselves whilst we juggle. We become clowns with red weeping noses instead of sophisticated, elegant women that we dreamed of becoming. (Or am I the only one?)

Yes there are those of us who keep it together at least at the surface. Manage to go to gym, starve themselves, hire aupers and look like models. The minority I’d like to think and another part of me thinks ‘all on prozac’. Or is that jealousy??? (None of us wants to face that shadow side of jealousy. It’s hard to even admit it on this blog.)

And yes things aren’t that bad – I know that I’m personally very blessed and it’s that blessing that I want to bask in every day of my life. So why aren’t I? And why am I feeling so down on myself for not radiating my positive affirmations?

I think there is a choice. To complain, and complain and complain. And yes I’ve indulged in a lot of that. Then there’s the second choice to complain – so that you recognise what’s wrong and then go and do something about it.

So tonight I’m going to a movie. I’m committing to down size and have at least two freeish afternoons a week. My lift schemes are all done. I’m into my second proper scheduled week and I’m still walking. I even managed yoga twice a week last week. So I’m doing well. I really am. And I’m going to organise that nurturing I need somehow. Emailing my cousin more consistently in LA is definitely one way.

And I did what I do when I’m at the end of my tether and am full of prayer with no answers to the way I feel. I took a card from my Ask and it’s Given Abraham cards (please note these are just for inspiration. I don’t take it very seriously in terms of pegging my life on it.) It said exactly what I needed to hear and maybe what some of you also need:

Even your babies are offering vibrations that the Universe is matching. And like you, your little ones are influenced by the vibrations of those who surround them, but nevertheless, they are creating their own reality. And like you, long before their physical birth, they set into motion this life experience they are now living.’

So in other words our children are souls on their life journey as are we. They chose where they are as do we. We can’t really make or break them. We can do our best as mothers and still have our own selves. (Something a lot of our mothers or societies maybe weren’t in touch with.) So let’s keep choosing and creating new, positive, joyous stories for ourselves to live, and not repeat unexamined patterns of mothering, which are more often than not fantasy.

And a recipe – an easy Macaroni and Cheese recipe that’s seriously yummy!!! I’m putting it on because a recipe is long overdue and because since I served it at Prince No. 3’s birthday party at least three people have asked for the recipe.

Macaroni and Cheese

Ingredients

2 Cups Macaroni

1 Tablespoon Salt

Olive Oil

2 Tins Tomato & Onion Mix (comes in a can)

Soya Sauce

A Drop Worstere (how do you spell) Sauce

1 Green Pepper

1 Tablespoon Brown Sugar

1 Onion Cube

Garlic Salt

Onion Salt

1 Tablespoon Butter

1-2 Tablespoon Flour

1 Cup Milk

Cheese

Method

1. Boil 2 Cups of Macaroni in boiling water + 1 Tablespoon Salt + Olive Oil until ready. Drain.

2. Fry chopped Green Pepper in a little butter add 2 tins of Tomato and Onion Mix, Soya Sauce/Woerster Sauce, 1 Tablespoon Brown Sugar, pinch of Garlic Salt, 1 Onion disolved in a little water to make a paste.

3. Make white sauce.

Mix 1 Tablespoon butter + 1-2 Tablespoons Flour, add 1 Cup Milk and stir until thick. Add 2 Tablespoons grated Cheese, season with Garlic Salt and Onion Salt.

4. Baking dish – Put in Layers – 1 Layer Macaroni, then Tomato Sauce, then White Sauce then Grated Cheese.

5. Bake at 180C for 45 minutes.