I never thought I’d understand how drug addicts feel when they have to give up the dope. But I do now. Not that I’ve ever taken anything stronger than a Panado.¬†Heavens you could smoke dacha under my nose and I would be none the wiser. But I have to confess I’m an addict, as addictive as smokers, druggies and all the others. And the name of my addiction is SUGAR.

I’m not trying to be cute here. I visited my nutritionist on Friday and she said I’ve got systematic candida (at least I think that’s what it’s called). It means that any candida (another word for thrush) that I harboured in my gut has merrily traveled into my blood stream and thus into the rest of my body. This can cause lethargy, acne, poor memory and thyroid problems. (And yes I have been to the endroconologist and I have an under active thyroid. Every woman should go to an endroconolgist at least once a year according to my nutritionist. ) So ‘No wheat, no dairy (which I was off anyway thanks to an¬†Imupro 100 test – which identifies which foods cause inflammation to the body) and no SUGAR.’ A diet which will apparently starve the candida out. The only way to get rid of it. Oh yes and the diet is for 3 whole months, no cheating or I go back to candida square oneness. (The diet is with homeopathic drops and other natural muti too.)

Now I don’t want to live my whole life feeling sluggish etc. etc. etc. and so I’m committing to this diet. But for the last 58 hours I have been walking around feeling very grumpy and deprived. I am one of these people who cannot and should not be on diets for a very simple reason. I eat more and I crave exactly what I can’t have. And today is the worst day as I have serious withdrawal symptoms as I face my life without sugar.

Sugar means by the way. No honey, dark chocolate or sweet fruit. The sweetest thing I’m allowed is Granny Smith apples and dark green pears – only 2 fruits a day – just in case I sugar binge on them. If I’m sounding very sorry for myself it’s because I am feeling very sorry for myself. I’m facing my everyday pain without the reassuring teaspoon of honey in my ginger tea. Without my Lindt dark chocolate and without my figs. (I thought I had cut down on sugar you see.) So I face the harsh reality of life without my life long crutches of sweet injections.

Worst of all I have to go out into the world like that…

I’m sure most people have gone out to meals and been on some sort of diet and felt the awkwardness. When I go out to people I feel like I stick out, appear too self righteous as I shake my head and graciously say, ‘I can’t partake in that lovely looking garden salad because it has sugar in it.’ (As all South African salad dressings seem to have by the way.) And people don’t like it. Energetically I feel the disdain, the rolling of the eyes, the ‘who does she think she is’ ness. This of course isn’t everywhere and all the time. But people in general don’t like it when others are on a diet for whatever reason – unless of course they’re diabetic – and even then, ‘What do you mean you can’t have fruit – it’s healthy.’

The other day someone said to me during the two-day Shavuot eating marathon, ‘I’m so glad that you’re not sticking to your diet.’ (I was busy shoving a piece of creamy Pavlova in my mouth.) ‘I feel so much better about myself.’

Woooshhhhh!!!! And she was at least telling the truth. The rest of us look at skinny girls who don’t eat dessert in disbelief, but keep it to ourselves. Or worse we shoot daggers at the skinny girls who eat two portions of dessert. (How, h0w do they stay so skinny and healthy?) We women are such an energetic mess of wants, desires and self sabotage, and we feed our self destructiveness off each other.

Ah well it’s human nature. So I need to take my own stand. No wheat, no dairy and no sugar. And I need to do it for me. No matter what anyone else may feel about themselves. That’s their stuff! The cycle is clear, the pressure to be less than with what we eat and who we are is clear. And as we run ourselves or anyone else down in our minds we need to see why we do this?

I’m far to grumpy to dwell on anyone else’s thoughts for now. At least I can have coffee. So I’m off to make a soy coffee. Everyone needs at least one addiction.